Some Days

Most days, I function just fine.  Most days, I go about my business.  Most days, I juggle without much complaint.  Most days, being a working mother is just the reality of my world. 

Some days, Lillian wakes up before I leave and she says, "Mommy, please don't go to work.  Stay home with me."  Some days, the sadness of missing her so many hours a day is overwhelming.  Some days, I have to chose between my professional and my personal life.

99.9% of the time, my family ranks #1 on my priority list.  I will rearrange my schedule, take a day off, or even make up a little fib in order to make an appearance at the first day of preschool or the Halloween party or the Holiday Musical Extravaganza.  Not once have I looked back at any of those decisions and regretted not being at work.

Then today arrived.  And I'm stuck. 

Her first parent/teacher conference.  Yes, she's only 4.  Yes, this is only preschool.  Will missing a 10 minute discussion on Lillian's progress be the end of the world?  No.  Willl Lillian even notice my absense? Unlikely.  Will James do just fine representing the both of us?  Yes. 

But this is something I should be at.  That I want to be at.  Honestly, it's not even the conference that I'm upset about missing.  But I had planned with my early departure from work  to take Lillian to the library after the conference. She loves playing on the computers and doing puzzles just like I did when I was her age.  I would take her to the store to pick out the ingredients for the homemade strawberry frosting for the cupcakes that we'll be making tomorrow.  I had plans to do things with her that I can't do on a normal workday.

I have A LOT going on today and tomorrow at work.  But I had planned to shift and make do so I could leave early.  It would make things more challenging for me but there is no question that it would be well worth it.

Today though, I walked into the lobby at work and on a big easal that I placed out last night myself, announced the meeting of a group that I "lead".  By leading, I mean sitting in the room and making sure everyone registers.  How did I put that poster up myself and not have it click that a group that meets on Thursday from 4-6 would NOT interfer with my plans of leaving at 1:30 today? 

Now everything is just adding up.  I do not know if I can realistically have all these balls in the air.  I'm stumbling and today something is going to fall.  And it is breaking my heart that Lillian's ball is the one that I'm loosing my grip on.